k r i s a n d r o

Most people who got to know me after my poly days do not know that my parents are actually divorced. It’s not something that I hide but I think people don’t really ask about parents at my age. I am guessing that one possible reason is that at my age, there is a high possibility that one’s parents are old and therefore, could have passed on. And asking about it might lead to awkwardness if the subject’s parents aren’t around any longer.

My father, or I would prefer to call, my ex-father, came from a relatively wealthy family who as a family business. He was sporty and enjoyed bowling and photography. I remember looking at his pictures in his younger years and he was… like me I guess. Tall and lanky. He managed to win my mothers heart over and his food addiction eventually took over through the years and he turned into a fat slob. I always had this joke for my close friends where I will depict this scene of my mum marrying this tall, slim and handsome man and to only turn over on the bed in the morning to find a human lard on her bed.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!

After I was born into the world, I had the habit of sleeping during the day and only waking up in the wee hours in the morning to wail. My poor mother was so stressed and depressed and did contemplate to throw me down the HDB and commit suicide. You know what the human lard did? Wear ear plugs and continue sleeping.

In my baby years, he did contribute to my pampers and milk fund. A grand total of ONE can of milk and TWO packs of pampers. *clap clap*

I remember he once approached me during primary school years saying,

“Kris! I struck 4D! I give your some extra pocket money okay?”

“Oh really!”

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You know how much he gave me? $1+. ONE DOLLAR PLUS! At that age, I was already getting $8 per day for my pocket money.

As I grew older, he realized that I am quite the rebel and not the nicer son that he sees in my brother. So he hated my guts. When my friends call up my house and goes,

Friend: “Hello! Is Kris around?”

Human Lard: “HE DIE ALREADY!”

*SLAM*

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He does it so often that my friends and I laugh about it so much (after the initial shock).

WAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

I remember another incident that just shows his laziness. Back then, our remote control for the TV in our living room is spoiled and one has to use the controls on the TV to switch channels. So the Human Lard usually sits on his couch in the living room with his legs propped up on the stool and has some food resting on his belly that doubles perfectly as a table. He only needs to get up and take ONE step to turn on the TV, but no he doesn’t. Instead he…

Human Lard: “BENNE! (My brother’s name) Turn on the TV!”

And where would my brother be? He is in the room. He has to walk out his room to the living room to turn the TV on for that lousy excuse of a human. Whats worse?

(10 minutes later)

“BENNE! Change to channel 5!”

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The Human Lard has affairs, smokes, gambles, is lazy, is a slob, is irresponsible, is not caring, is a miser. He even once quit his job so that he can watch the world cup. In some ways, I think his existence is worthy because, I want to NOT BE LIKE HIM.

Some people at this point may be feeling very uncomfortable and thinking of the favorite line that I hear so many times in my life.

“But Kris, after all, He IS your father.”

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“Father my perky ass!”

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To me, a man doesn’t become a father just by having a child. He must perform his duties as a father and as a husband. A father like mine was just somebody who contributed that ONE SPERM that brought me into existence. That is all really, not even love. I don’t hate him after so many years but I am very sure that I will not feel sad if I hear of his death.

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My Mother on the other hand has been the one who has been playing both roles in mine and my brother’s lives. She is the caring mother who will tend to her children’s whims and emotional needs. She is the strong ‘father’ who works so hard to bring the bread home and fixes everything in the house.

So, on this father’s day, I will like to wish my Mum,

“HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, MUM!”

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