k r i s a n d r o

There was a recent buzz in Singapore over comments made by the leaders of the country, encouraging the usage of mandarin and saying that learning or maintaining of other languages; specifically dialects, hinders the learning process of children and thus preventing them from being proficiently bilingual in English and Mandarin.

Such comments (or any comment by the government actually) stirs the hearts of many Singaporeans, especially those who are fluent in English, Mandarin and other dialects in which they treasure.

I suck at mandarin and it’s no wonder, considering the environment that I was brought up in. My parents and relatives speak English dominantly and throughout school life, I formed a pretty high resistance towards learning Mandarin and it came to the point of hating the language during a certain phase. The reasoning behind leaving a trail of blank Mandarin spelling test papers and frustrated Mandarin teachers was that English is the world’s universal language. Why should I waste time learning Mandarin when I use English to answer 10 of my other subjects. My computer games were in English, newspapers and magazines were in English, most of my friends spoke in English, I use English if I met a foreigner or somebody of another race. Hell, I even think in English.

If I felt so strongly about not needing Mandarin in my life, imagine how dialects are to me. Dialects to me, were used to communicate with the older generation and the occasional swearing I need to have a place amongst the cool ah bengs and ah lians. Apart from that, there wasn’t much reasons to pick up dialects at all.

Some people argued about the statements of our leaders that if the older generation is able to be multilingual, why not the younger ones? Some lamented that dialects contain rich heritage and shouldn’t be allowed to die off. Some pointed at our roots and called shame upon us for not speaking the language of our forefathers.

Seriously, what’s the point of preserving more languages?

Frankly, I would prefer everyone in the world to just pick up one language as it improves consistency and it would really help us understand one another better. But in the real world, there is just too much culture and tradition in languages such as dialects. Having them die off may be a pity. And I do find myself in many situations when my lack of proficiency in Mandarin or Hokkien left me frustrated.

But, isn’t it easier to learn just one language that is widely adopted than to learn many?

Are the reasons for preserving languages more important than a step towards one, universal language for the sake of peace?

*insert Miss Universe music*

One of the perks (or bane) of living in such a heavily populated country like Singapore is the fact that we can be almost anywhere and hear conversations of strangers even if we don’t want to.

I was on the train with KuKuNehNeh (KKNN) on our way to Ang Mo Kio via the North South Line and somewhere along the trip, a group of 3 teenage girls boarded the cabin along with the 1,653,428,201,737 passengers that were already inside with us. They stood next to us and were talking pretty loudly and drowned most of the chatter around them. KKNN became very quiet and there is no prize for me to guess that she was listening intently at the girls conversation.

I cannot accurately replicate what they said but it went along something like this…

Girl A: “CHEE BYE LAR! I cannot stand it leh. CHEE BYE!”

Girl B: “What lar CHEE BYE?”

Girl C: “Angry for what CHEE BYE?”

Girl A: “Fucking CHEE BYE! I just cannot stand his CHEE BYE face lar! Chao CHEE BYE!”

Girl B: “Ya lar, I know lar… He is a one bloody CHEE BYE.

Girl A: “The next time I see his CHEE BYE face, I am going to slap his Chao CHEE BYE!!! Cheeeeeee Byeeeeee~~”

Most Singaporeans will be very appalled by the use of their language but I am thoroughly amused. ‘Chee Bye‘ is just a Hokkien word for ‘Vagina‘. So, the above dialogue actually goes like….

Girl A: “VAGINA! I cannot stand it. VAGINA!!”

Girl B: “What VAGINA?”

Girl C: “Angry for what VAGINA?”

Girl A: “Fucking VAGINA! I just cannot stand his VAGINA face! Smelly VAGINA!”

Girl B: “Ya, I know… He is a one bloody VAGINA.

Girl A: “The next time I see his VAGINA face, I am going to slap his Smelly VAGINA!!! Vaginaaaaaaaaaaa~~”

Not much of a foul conversation anymore is it? WAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!

I had a very interesting encounter at AMK Hub a few weeks ago. I was on my way to the cinema at the 4th floor of the building and I choose to go up via the lift.

At the 1st floor lift lobby, a lift door opened and I promptly entered it to only realize that the lift was occupied and it was going DOWN. Within a space of a second, my STUPENDOUS mind decided that instead of walking out of the lift to wait for the next lift to go up, why not just stay in this lift till it goes up?

Right before the lift doors closed, a lao ah-ma (old grandmother, which hereby be known as LAM) entered the lift and mumbled a sentenced in Hokkien. Although my dialect is Hokkien, I have much trouble understanding it, much less speak it. Seeing that I am a gracious and considerate Singaporean, I decide to offer help.

Me: “Auntie ah~ Le ai ki gui lao?” (Auntie, which floor do you want to go?)

LAM: “*mumble* *mumble* *mumble* Wu ki sar lao bo?” (I think she meant to ask if the lift goes to the 3rd floor”

Me: “Wu!” (Yes! The lift goes to the 4th storey.)

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Only after the lift doors close that I forgot that the lift was going down FIRST. Having limited Hokkien vocab, I just twiddled my thumbs and hope that she realize that the lift was going down 1st.

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1st Floor –> Basement 1

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao?” (Is it the 3rd floor?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar.” (Auntie, not yet.)

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Basement 1 –> Basement 2

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao?” (Is it the 3rd floor?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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Basement 2 –> Basement1

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao liao bo?” (Is it the 3rd floor already?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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As you can see, by this time, my reply is on repeat mode. My nokia phone only got ENGLISH to CHINESE dictionary. Dunch have ENGLISH to HOKKIEN one. I can only hope that the lift goes straight up to the 3rd floor from this moment while I was mentally stabbing everyone who is alighting or entering the lift on every floor

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Basement 1 –> 1st Floor

*DING!!*

LAM(looking worried and kan-cheong): “Sar lao liao bo?” (Is it the 3rd floor already?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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You know how some people don’t look at a person in the eye directly when conversing? These people tend to glance at a persons face and and quickly shift their eyes away? Such a habit makes you very uncomfortable as the speaker looks as though he/she is NOT but SOMEWHAT speaking to you. The LAM was doing it to me the whole time. And at this moment, she is acting as though I am lying to her and the lift is going to Afghanistan.

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1st Floor –> 2nd Floor

*DING!!*

LAM(Loud and almost shrieking voice): “(HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN and more HOKKIEN which I dunch understand)”

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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By this time, she probably thinks that after the lift arrives at Afghanistan, I am going to rob her of all her valuables and rape her 20 times.

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2nd Floor –> 3rd Floor

*DING!!*

Me: “Auntie! Sar lao liao!” (Auntie! 3rd floor already!)

LAM: “(HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN and EVEN more HOKKIEN which I dunch understand)”

.

So, there you go. The LONGEST lift ride I EVER had and one of the times when I help others and end up needing help.