k r i s a n d r o

If Singaporean aunties ruled the world:

Shopping is a high paying career. Pay is determined by the ability to Outwit, Outplay, Outlast the other shoppers.

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Available seats on public transport for humans is cut down by half. The adjacent seat is always used to put your groceries.

Gossiping is a national sport. Points are determined by knowledge. (eg. You know that the drink stall’s owner son’s girlfriend’s cousin’s mother-in-law’s plumber is gay.)

Granny panties are HAWT.

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The MRT yellow queue lines do not apply to aunties.

Hokkien replaces English as the international language.

Aunties get an international 90% discount card.

Discount card can be even used to buy from peddlers selling 3 X tissue for $1.

Public affection of couples is punishable by death.

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Change the definition of “Beauty”

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I was at Sentosa today with Ruifang’s family today. Unfortunately, there is no pics of her or me in a bikini. I know you guys are dying to see me in one. “See liao will puke blood and die“

After spending half a day in the sweltering sun, my brain gets wonky and such. If you are wondering why do I need to explain for being dazed. Well…….

I was at a Halal Beef noodle store, operated by Muslims wearing Tudongs.

Remember these key words, Halal, Beef, Muslim and Tudong.

Ruifang: “Auntie! Two beef kway teow soups”

Malay Auntie: “Okay! Eating here?”

Me: “Yes!”

(After a while, she grabs a piece of meat with a tweezer and shows it to me.)

Auntie: “Want stomach?”

Me: “Pig stomach?”

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RIGHT AFTER I said that, my mind realized that this is a HALAL store, they serve BEEF and I can SEE MUSLIMS wearing TUDONGS cooking the food.

Paiseh to the MAX

What is wrong with me? All the sun’s fault!

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I stumbled across this page in wikipedia through digg and found it rather funny, interesting, amusing and sad at times.

The list of unusual deaths on wikipedia shows a chronological list of unusual deaths from as early as 876BC till the present.

My findings after scanning through the list is as follows:

People in the middle ages like to kill by thrusting stuffs through the anus

1016: Edmund II of England died by having a sword thrust in his anus by the soldiers of King Canute while using a primitive latrine.
1322: Humphrey de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford was fatally speared through the anus by a pikeman hidden under the bridge during the Battle of Boroughbridge.
1327: Edward II of England, after being deposed and imprisoned by his Queen consort Isabella and her lover Roger Mortimer, was rumored to have been murdered by having a red-hot iron inserted into his anus.

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Clinton wasn’t as unlucky as this French President in 1899.

1899: French president Félix Faure died of a stroke while receiving oral sex in his office.

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Laughter may not be the best medicine

207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs.

1410: Martin I of Aragon died from a lethal combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.

1599: The Burmese king Nanda Bayin reportedly “laughed to death when informed, by a visiting Italian merchant, that Venice was a free state without a king.

1660: The Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of Rabelais into English, Thomas Urquhart, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne

1975: On 24 March 1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King’s Lynn literally died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies. According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable to stop laughing while watching a sketch in the episode “Kung Fu Kapers” in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a psychopathic black pudding in a demonstration of the Lancashire martial art of Ecky-thump. After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure.

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Probably the 1st Wii induced death

2007: Jennifer Strange, a 28-year-old woman from Sacramento, died of water intoxication while trying to win a Wii console in a KDND 107.9 “The End” radio station’s “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” contest, which involved drinking large quantities of water without urinating. She placed second in the contest.

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Can’t help but laugh at his death

458 BC: The Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed when an eagle dropped a live tortoise on him, mistaking his bald head for a stone. The tortoise survived.

I had a very interesting encounter at AMK Hub a few weeks ago. I was on my way to the cinema at the 4th floor of the building and I choose to go up via the lift.

At the 1st floor lift lobby, a lift door opened and I promptly entered it to only realize that the lift was occupied and it was going DOWN. Within a space of a second, my STUPENDOUS mind decided that instead of walking out of the lift to wait for the next lift to go up, why not just stay in this lift till it goes up?

Right before the lift doors closed, a lao ah-ma (old grandmother, which hereby be known as LAM) entered the lift and mumbled a sentenced in Hokkien. Although my dialect is Hokkien, I have much trouble understanding it, much less speak it. Seeing that I am a gracious and considerate Singaporean, I decide to offer help.

Me: “Auntie ah~ Le ai ki gui lao?” (Auntie, which floor do you want to go?)

LAM: “*mumble* *mumble* *mumble* Wu ki sar lao bo?” (I think she meant to ask if the lift goes to the 3rd floor”

Me: “Wu!” (Yes! The lift goes to the 4th storey.)

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Only after the lift doors close that I forgot that the lift was going down FIRST. Having limited Hokkien vocab, I just twiddled my thumbs and hope that she realize that the lift was going down 1st.

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1st Floor –> Basement 1

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao?” (Is it the 3rd floor?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar.” (Auntie, not yet.)

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Basement 1 –> Basement 2

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao?” (Is it the 3rd floor?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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Basement 2 –> Basement1

*DING!!*

LAM: “Sar lao liao bo?” (Is it the 3rd floor already?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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As you can see, by this time, my reply is on repeat mode. My nokia phone only got ENGLISH to CHINESE dictionary. Dunch have ENGLISH to HOKKIEN one. I can only hope that the lift goes straight up to the 3rd floor from this moment while I was mentally stabbing everyone who is alighting or entering the lift on every floor

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Basement 1 –> 1st Floor

*DING!!*

LAM(looking worried and kan-cheong): “Sar lao liao bo?” (Is it the 3rd floor already?)

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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You know how some people don’t look at a person in the eye directly when conversing? These people tend to glance at a persons face and and quickly shift their eyes away? Such a habit makes you very uncomfortable as the speaker looks as though he/she is NOT but SOMEWHAT speaking to you. The LAM was doing it to me the whole time. And at this moment, she is acting as though I am lying to her and the lift is going to Afghanistan.

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1st Floor –> 2nd Floor

*DING!!*

LAM(Loud and almost shrieking voice): “(HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN and more HOKKIEN which I dunch understand)”

Me: “Auntie ah! Ha buey lar. Sar lao liao, wa ga le kong!!” (Auntie, not yet. Once it reaches the 3rd floor, i’ll tell you.)

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By this time, she probably thinks that after the lift arrives at Afghanistan, I am going to rob her of all her valuables and rape her 20 times.

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2nd Floor –> 3rd Floor

*DING!!*

Me: “Auntie! Sar lao liao!” (Auntie! 3rd floor already!)

LAM: “(HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN HOKKIEN and EVEN more HOKKIEN which I dunch understand)”

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So, there you go. The LONGEST lift ride I EVER had and one of the times when I help others and end up needing help.